We're just waiting...

After all the times we were told, "Here's just one more thing to fill out", we are finally, truly done with paperwork (at least I'm pretty sure about that) until it's time to finalize the adoption. We kept checking Bethany's website to see if we were listed yet, and after a few weeks of not seeing ourselves there, we contacted our social worker. Apparently they changed the way they do web profiles, and our instructions (which we followed to the letter) were outdated. Our social worker remedied the situation promptly, but it still leaves a lingering question in my mind...are we REALLY done?

We've been viewed by two birthmothers so far, but at this point, we are just waiting. We don't have much news to share because there's no news yet. So I thought it might be helpful for some of you out there if I answered some of the questions that we get quite regularly from friends/family asking if we have news. There are so many questions, however, that I think I'll just answer one or two at a time.  :)

Q: How long will it take?

A: We really don't know. Today's infant adoptions in the US are nearly all "open" adoptions to some degree (see the next question if you don't know what an open adoption is). According to a recent statistic from Adoptive Families Magazine Adoption Guide 2012, 33% of adoptive families are matched with a birthmother within 3 months of completing their portfolio. 50% of families are matched within 4-6 months, and 73% are matched within 7-12 months.

On top of that, 40% of families were matched less than a month before their child was born. What that means is that there's a lot of waiting, then a flurry of activity once the match is made because adoptive families won't have 9 months to prepare (unless they started preparing while they were waiting) - they may only have 1-4 months to do that.

Q: What is an open adoption?

A: There's a lot of misconception out there about open adoption. The simplest definition of an open adoption is that there is some form of relationship and/or communication between the birth family and adoptive family before, during and/or after an adoption is complete. That will look very different from family to family. Some families only mail pictures and letters on a regular schedule to the adoption agency to forward to the birth family. Some families exchange gifts with birth families for important occasions (birthdays, holidays, etc). I've even met a family that takes vacations to visit the birth family and had a prior relationship before the baby was born. It DOES NOT MEAN co-parenting. Once the baby is placed with the adoptive family, the birthparents' parental rights are terminated and they no longer have any rights in regards to the child. None. Even the birth certificate is replaced to show the adoptive parents instead of the birthparents (which is why many older adoptees have found it hard to locate their birthparents - the old birth certificate in many states was sealed much like a juvenile criminal record).

Now, that being said, the birth family will always be part of the child. Many adopted kids will want to know if they look like their birthmom or birthdad, or if there are any siblings, or any number of other questions that link them genetically and biologically to their birth family. How the relationship of this "extended family" plays out is like any other decision parents make for their kids. Ultimately, the adoptive parents have complete and final discretion on with whom and how their adopted child interacts.

Phwew! Clear as mud, yet? Don't worry, I think I'll create a FAQ page to hold all these Q&A's. And if YOU have a question you'd like to have answered, just leave it in the comments and I'll post the answer here!